Article for the Georgetown Academy

Keep Your Clothes On! (And Other Helpful Advice)

When you, readers, think about chastity, the word “scary” might not be the first thing you think of, but “scary” is exactly what chastity is. Perhaps images of early Puritans, Victorian nuns with rulers and the more modern (but no less alien) “Purity Balls” spring more readily to mind. Okay, I concede that all of these things are scary, but not in the sense I mean. Perhaps the word “daunting” is more apt. Indeed, the virtue of chastity daunted even the great Saint Augustine who famously said, “Oh Lord, grant me chastity, but do not grant it yet.”

Perhaps it is this fear that also causes anger. Merely hearing the story of Saint Maria Gorretti, a young girl who died to defend her chastity against a would-be rapist, was enough to send many of my classmates in Father McManus’ class on martyrdom into fits of wrath. Father later told me that more essays were written denouncing Saint Maria’s canonization than on any other topic. A swift glance at any feministing.com or feministe.us/blog post about chastity defenders Dawn Eden, Mirriam Grossman or Wendy Shalit confirms the phenomenon.

Rather than mount a litany of arguments in defense of chastity, I will make just one and move on to more practical considerations. My argument may appeal only to Christians – so be it. We are told that “the tree is known by its fruit,” (Matthew 12:33 NIV). In other words, vice produces ill effects and virtue good. Ever since chastity was swept decidedly out of fashion by the tides of “sexual liberation” in the 1960s and 70s (if it was not already a bit out of vogue even earlier), we have watched unplanned pregnancies soar and witnessed an STI epidemic of truly astonishing proportions. As even those who support abortion and contraception acknowledge that these two products of “liberation” cause unprecedented emotional and physical strain for those who suffer from them, I think it is clear that these are bad fruits indeed. I am not – a la John Hagee – suggesting that STIs are God’s punishment for sin, I am merely pointing out that the most evident results of dismissing chastity as an ideal are undue stress and disease.

Nowadays, chastity is becoming less an outmoded ideal and increasingly a practical necessity. Upon discovering she was pregnant a little over a year after testing positive for HPV, one of my most liberal (and “liberated”) friends exclaimed, “I have become that nut job who goes around shaking my finger and saying, ‘It only takes once! Keep your skirt on!’”

And now, as promised, I will move on to more practical questions such as, “What exactly is this terrifying thing that has daunted even Saints and now inspires rage in modern feminists?” Before I attempt to shed light on what chastity might be, I will tell you a few things that it is not.

Chastity is not celibacy, nor Puritanism, nor fear of sex. Rather, it is sex as it is meant to be: sex that is directed toward much more than gratifying our immediate physical desires. As anyone who has kissed both somebody they cared nothing for and somebody they loved will acknowledge, sexual acts (even kissing!) are far more pleasing when physical pleasure is not, in fact, the principal goal. Ironically, when the primary purpose of sex is to physically symbolize love that has already been given, pleasure becomes more complete. How much more must this be true when the gift of love has been given irrevocably in marriage? Sex belongs in marriage because it is the physical symbol of marriage just as a handshake is the physical symbol of greeting and laughter is the physical symbol of joy. Just as faked laughter deceives, sex outside of marriage is, in the words of author Dawn Eden, “lying with your body.” Sex is the most intimate physical gift that can be given, and if it is not given alongside the emotional and practical union of two lives that is found in marriage, it is misplaced and deceptive.

Chastity is also decidedly not maintaining technical “virginity” while engaging in oral and anal sex, as many of today’s “virginity pledgers” apparently think it is. Finally, chastity is not easy. I will be the first to admit (after St. Augustine, of course) that chastity is really, really difficult. So, if chastity is not Puritanism, not promiscuity sans traditional sex and not an easy fix, what is it?

I will answer by way of a few guidelines from which you may choose at your own discretion. Dawn Eden introduced me to my first “chastity rule,” which she had, in turn, learned from a young Jesuit. This Jesuit offered that the line between the chaste and the unchaste is the line between affection and arousal. Intend, he advised, always to display affection and never to arouse.

The next rule I encountered I found in Lauren F. Winner’s book, “Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity.” A minister had once advised her that she do with her boyfriend in private only what she would be willing to do with him in a public space. She referred to a space on her campus called the rotunda. For the Hoya, I suggest Healy Lawn. This rule, of course, presents obvious problems for both the intensely private person and the exhibitionist.

A priest at St. Peter’s Catholic Church on Capitol Hill offered the next two rules to me. The first was, “Keep your clothes on,” (a rule that unfortunately lends itself to abuse by any couple with an ounce of creativity) and the second was, “Don’t touch anything on your boyfriend/girlfriend that you don’t have yourself.”

Perhaps you, reader, will find one of the aforementioned rules amenable. If so, I advise you to quit reading here, for what follows may, even at this Catholic University, shock you. I am about to advise you to have faith in the Lord. As some one who has tried each of these rules and found in every case either the rule or myself sorely lacking, I am forced to recommend a different tactic. This tactic, namely, to put oneself into God’s hands, is scary. Instead of employing a manmade rule that requires our own weak resolve to hold steady in the face of immediate and sometimes overwhelming temptation, I urge you to take a blind and wild leap and leave the matter in the hands of one far more adept than yourself.

Todd Phillips, a preacher at nearby McLean Bible Church, argued in a sermon that to ask for a clearly defined rule is very nearly the opposite of what we should be doing. To seek some line over which we should not cross is to ask how close we can get to fire without being singed. To venture nearer and nearer to sin is to dance with the Devil and in such a dance, as the saying goes, you will not lead. You should, then, run as far in the other direction as you are able, and to do so may require such extraordinary strength that it cannot be found in our own weak bodies. You may find each step away from sin, in this case sexual sin, harder to take than the last, but if you take that first great leap into the care of the Holy Spirit, you will prevail. With each step, I think, you will find that the burden on your conscience and on your heart, which may at present appear to you as nothing more than the nagging fear of an STI or an unexpected pregnancy, will lighten. As with all things, chastity can be achieved not by (human) strength, but by His Spirit (Zech. 4:6).

"They've replaced the Body of Christ with a plant!"

A few months ago, I was at Mass with a good friend of mine in Lexington, KY. About halfway through the Mass, my friend turned to me with an incredulous look on his face and says, "Look, they've replaced the Body of Christ with a plant!" Confused, I laughed quietly and resumed singing. "No, no look!" he says, "they replaced the Body of Christ!" Sure enough, as I looked to the still-standing high altar, I saw a large plant awkwardly filling the spot from which the tabernacle had been removed. My feeble mind has, of yet, failed to grasp the purpose behind moving the tabernacle, and therefore Christ Himself, away from the altar and off to the side of the Church (I mean, for goodness' sake, why in the world would we want to look at the place Christ reposes while worshipping!?), and I was left particularly dumbfounded by the replacement of Christ with an ugly fake plant, most likely purchased at the world-famous Catholic goods store we all know as Walmart. I tried to imagine the conversation: "So, we need to move the Tabernacle away from the middle of the altar. People are focusing way too much on Christ; let's move it to the side of the Church." "Wow, what an excellent idea! But what will we use to fill this unsightly space? Perhaps we should use a tree, to show people how we venerate Mother Earth..." Hmmm.

I soon realized that the whole plant fiasco was not unique to this particular Church, but was actually quite a la mode. Another Church, this one in Owingsville, KY, had one-upped the Lexington Church and replaced the whole high altar with trees. "Ha! We'll show them! We won't have any problems with an awkward space on our altar... we'll just demolish the whole thing!" Brilliant. Why celebrate the sacrifice of the Mass at all when you can gaze at faux foliage?

I decided to do some serious research into the origins of this phenomenon. I turned to Wikipedia. When I searched for "high altar plant," I was directed to the article on altars. From this article I learned that the practice of putting plants on altars comes from as far back as the 17th century. I was impressed. Maybe my original skepticism about plants instead of tabernacles and altars was misplaced. After all, neo-druids have been placing plants on their altars for centuries!

Replacing Christ with dusty, potted plants is an excellent idea; it's right up there ordaining females, clapping during the Mass and eschewing the posture of kneeling. Why isn't this practice more widely encouraged?

Stop Drop and Roll Won't Work in Hell!

The title is taken from a sign somewhere in Central Appalachia. I did not personally see it, but a friend did.

This post is to thank people for speaking simple truths. I am always amazed when in a everyday conversation (especially one with a stranger), my interlocutor says something that is simply true, but often not mentioned. I think people should do this more, especially me! I have begun to collect these statements. Here are a couple:

I travelled with Sister Kathy to the Glenmary Sisters' motherhouse in Owensboro, KY. Before going into the house, a neighbor came up to greet us. Sister Kathy asked, "how have you been?" The woman replied, "Oh all right, you know. There've been those ups and downs and I've struggled a bit, but you have to remember, Jesus loves you and He is with you every step of the way, don't you think?" Just like that. How many people respond to "how are you?" by recalling that Jesus is always with us? Precious few, I think.

What strikes me about all of these moments is that the person never seems quite sure of him or herself. Often, he or she sounds like he is offering up a highly controversial idea and looking for approval. This humility even in stating basic facts is what really moves me.

Another such moment came on the Fourth of July. As I lay in the grass watching the fireworks, Cody, a seven-year old boy who was in my Bible class, turned to me and said, "Hey Caity? Did you know that you are my sister in Christ?" "Yes, Cody," I replied.

I write about this because I had another similar experience today. The man ringing up my groceries at Whole Foods was telling me about a bag they sold. The bags are sold to support the UN World Food program. He said, "True happiness comes from giving. To receive is nothing, but to give to others is what we are meant for." Wow. Perhaps he was just trying to sell me the bag, but I was nevertheless struck by his candor.

These simple statements cut through quotidian remarks to a deeper level of human conversation. I urge everyone to start saying things like the above more often.

Catholic Pick-Up Lines

In the same vein as all of my Catholic nerdisms, here are some pick-up lines I came across on beliefnet.

Top Ten Conservative Catholic Pickup Lines

10. May I offer you a light for that votive candle?

9. Hi there. My buddy and I were wondering if you would settle a dispute we're having. Do you think the word should be pronounced HOMEschooling, or homeSCHOOLing?

8. Sorry, but I couldn't help notice how cute you look in that ankle-length, shapeless, plaid jumper.

7. What's a nice girl like you doing at a First Saturday Rosary Cenacle like this?

6. You don't like the culture of death either? Wow! We have so much in common!

5. Let's get out of here. I know a much cozier little Catholic bookstore downtown.

4. I bet I can guess your confirmation name.

3. You've got stunning scapular-brown eyes.

2. Did you feel what I felt when we reached into the holy water font at the same time?

1. Confess here often?



I also found a couple more elsewhere... enjoy!


May I sit down? I was admiring your Chest-erton. Have you also read Orthodoxy?

I have a vocation to the married life. Can you help me out?

My Guardian Angel thinks you're cute.

My Sacred Heart statue started beating faster when I saw you.

Ah, so you're what happened to my missing rib.

I would like to study the Theology of your body.

Hi. I need somebody to do a Novena with. (Nine dates guaranteed!)

Can I carry your missal for you?

Come to my parish on Sunday. You can see me in a tunicle. *wink*

You know you are a Catholic nerd when...

... of the nine books you read during the summer, 7 are written by Catholics, about Catholic things. The other two are written by C.S. Lewis.

... you actually enjoy watching three hour long movies about Saints.

... your best ideas come to you while praying.

... when your team is losing in kickball, you suggest praying to St. Rita (hey, baseball is close enough, right?)

... when you visit the bookstore, the only section you go to is Religion.

... you think that many problems would be solved if people would just read more of Pope Benedict's writings.

... you are spending your summer with nuns. Crazy.

... there are five crucifixes in your room when you aren't there, six when you are (one on your necklace).

... you wear the medals of six saints on a daily basis.

You know you are a Catholic nerd when...

... you sleep on the floor for two nights because you are keeping vestments on your bed.

... you affectionately refer to your favorite Pope as "my Benny."

... owning "Spirit of the Liturgy" has become a veritable fad amongst you and your compatriots.

... you consider driving all the way to Baltimore to go to a Solemn High Mass (on the day of your brother's graduation).

... your summer plans include doing yoga while listening to Hildegard von Bingen.

... you and your friend easily spend almost $200 in about 15 minutes at the Catholic bookstore.

... you get invited to Solemn High Masses on facebook.

... you won't put on your seat belt because, "Well, she just received Holy Communion, there is probably no better time to die!"

... your daydreams include the conversations that Saints have in heaven. (Saint Anthony to Saint Cassian of Tangiers: "Hey, this is no fair. Do you know how many Catholics lose things!? All of them, every single one. And do you know how many are stenographers??")

... you have stopped checking the Catechism to answer questions because more often than not when you ask your friends you get the answer not only directly from Catechism, but also from various Church fathers and other prominent theologians.

My New Blog

It is my last day of work at the Heritage Foundation, and I have finished all of my projects. Hence, three posts in one day and... a new blog! My new blog is called Nun Fun in Dixieland and is located at http://www.nunfunindixieland.blogspot.com/ and is also linked at right. This new blog will chronicle my adventures in Frenchburg, KY, where I will be volunteering for seven weeks this summer with the Glenmary Sisters. I will continue to update this blog, as well.