"They've replaced the Body of Christ with a plant!"

A few months ago, I was at Mass with a good friend of mine in Lexington, KY. About halfway through the Mass, my friend turned to me with an incredulous look on his face and says, "Look, they've replaced the Body of Christ with a plant!" Confused, I laughed quietly and resumed singing. "No, no look!" he says, "they replaced the Body of Christ!" Sure enough, as I looked to the still-standing high altar, I saw a large plant awkwardly filling the spot from which the tabernacle had been removed. My feeble mind has, of yet, failed to grasp the purpose behind moving the tabernacle, and therefore Christ Himself, away from the altar and off to the side of the Church (I mean, for goodness' sake, why in the world would we want to look at the place Christ reposes while worshipping!?), and I was left particularly dumbfounded by the replacement of Christ with an ugly fake plant, most likely purchased at the world-famous Catholic goods store we all know as Walmart. I tried to imagine the conversation: "So, we need to move the Tabernacle away from the middle of the altar. People are focusing way too much on Christ; let's move it to the side of the Church." "Wow, what an excellent idea! But what will we use to fill this unsightly space? Perhaps we should use a tree, to show people how we venerate Mother Earth..." Hmmm.

I soon realized that the whole plant fiasco was not unique to this particular Church, but was actually quite a la mode. Another Church, this one in Owingsville, KY, had one-upped the Lexington Church and replaced the whole high altar with trees. "Ha! We'll show them! We won't have any problems with an awkward space on our altar... we'll just demolish the whole thing!" Brilliant. Why celebrate the sacrifice of the Mass at all when you can gaze at faux foliage?

I decided to do some serious research into the origins of this phenomenon. I turned to Wikipedia. When I searched for "high altar plant," I was directed to the article on altars. From this article I learned that the practice of putting plants on altars comes from as far back as the 17th century. I was impressed. Maybe my original skepticism about plants instead of tabernacles and altars was misplaced. After all, neo-druids have been placing plants on their altars for centuries!

Replacing Christ with dusty, potted plants is an excellent idea; it's right up there ordaining females, clapping during the Mass and eschewing the posture of kneeling. Why isn't this practice more widely encouraged?

Stop Drop and Roll Won't Work in Hell!

The title is taken from a sign somewhere in Central Appalachia. I did not personally see it, but a friend did.

This post is to thank people for speaking simple truths. I am always amazed when in a everyday conversation (especially one with a stranger), my interlocutor says something that is simply true, but often not mentioned. I think people should do this more, especially me! I have begun to collect these statements. Here are a couple:

I travelled with Sister Kathy to the Glenmary Sisters' motherhouse in Owensboro, KY. Before going into the house, a neighbor came up to greet us. Sister Kathy asked, "how have you been?" The woman replied, "Oh all right, you know. There've been those ups and downs and I've struggled a bit, but you have to remember, Jesus loves you and He is with you every step of the way, don't you think?" Just like that. How many people respond to "how are you?" by recalling that Jesus is always with us? Precious few, I think.

What strikes me about all of these moments is that the person never seems quite sure of him or herself. Often, he or she sounds like he is offering up a highly controversial idea and looking for approval. This humility even in stating basic facts is what really moves me.

Another such moment came on the Fourth of July. As I lay in the grass watching the fireworks, Cody, a seven-year old boy who was in my Bible class, turned to me and said, "Hey Caity? Did you know that you are my sister in Christ?" "Yes, Cody," I replied.

I write about this because I had another similar experience today. The man ringing up my groceries at Whole Foods was telling me about a bag they sold. The bags are sold to support the UN World Food program. He said, "True happiness comes from giving. To receive is nothing, but to give to others is what we are meant for." Wow. Perhaps he was just trying to sell me the bag, but I was nevertheless struck by his candor.

These simple statements cut through quotidian remarks to a deeper level of human conversation. I urge everyone to start saying things like the above more often.

Catholic Pick-Up Lines

In the same vein as all of my Catholic nerdisms, here are some pick-up lines I came across on beliefnet.

Top Ten Conservative Catholic Pickup Lines

10. May I offer you a light for that votive candle?

9. Hi there. My buddy and I were wondering if you would settle a dispute we're having. Do you think the word should be pronounced HOMEschooling, or homeSCHOOLing?

8. Sorry, but I couldn't help notice how cute you look in that ankle-length, shapeless, plaid jumper.

7. What's a nice girl like you doing at a First Saturday Rosary Cenacle like this?

6. You don't like the culture of death either? Wow! We have so much in common!

5. Let's get out of here. I know a much cozier little Catholic bookstore downtown.

4. I bet I can guess your confirmation name.

3. You've got stunning scapular-brown eyes.

2. Did you feel what I felt when we reached into the holy water font at the same time?

1. Confess here often?



I also found a couple more elsewhere... enjoy!


May I sit down? I was admiring your Chest-erton. Have you also read Orthodoxy?

I have a vocation to the married life. Can you help me out?

My Guardian Angel thinks you're cute.

My Sacred Heart statue started beating faster when I saw you.

Ah, so you're what happened to my missing rib.

I would like to study the Theology of your body.

Hi. I need somebody to do a Novena with. (Nine dates guaranteed!)

Can I carry your missal for you?

Come to my parish on Sunday. You can see me in a tunicle. *wink*